I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit .
I took a baby shower.
At one point he decided enough was enough.