I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit .
I took a baby shower.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
How young can you die of old age?
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.