Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.
What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’
I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.
I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.