I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I’m addicted to placebos.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‘What the hell am I doing?’
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.
What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’
I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.
I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.