If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.