I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about.
I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night – and I’d dream about it being me.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?