I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
The sky is falling. No, I’m tipping over backwards.
How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
I saw a want ad. “light housekeeping.” They said “Here, change this bulb.” I said “I’ll need some friends.”
43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?