I can’t stop thinking like this.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me – and I didn’t hear it.
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I was an only child, eventually.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
Half the people you know are below average.
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.
I washed mud off of mud.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.”