I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.
I was skydiving horizontally.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”
Clones are people two.
I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
I can’t stop thinking like this.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me – and I didn’t hear it.