The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Having sex with her is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
My father was a small claims court jester.
I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.
I was skydiving horizontally.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”
Clones are people two.
I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.