I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.
The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
The speed of time is one second per second.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”
I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.
I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it.
What do batteries run on?
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops.