The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
The speed of time is one second per second.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”
I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.
I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it.
What do batteries run on?
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Having sex with her is incredible. It’s just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
My father was a small claims court jester.