Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
What a nice night for an evening.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still...
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
The sky already fell. Now what?