I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.