Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!