Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.