I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.
All the plants in my house are dead – I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.