I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.