When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?