I just lost a buttonhole.
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ’woman.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics.
It usually helps me write by reading – somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I’m addicted to placebos.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‘What the hell am I doing?’