On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
How young can you die of old age?
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.