I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Babies don’t need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.