I want every day to be the most boring news day ever. I want every day to be about spelling bee champions and baby basketball. It’s better to have no comedy material than a horrific news day.
You must not look in that mirror at your doughy legs and flat feet, for today is about dreams and illusions, and unfiltered natural daylight is the enemy of dreams.
Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions; go over, under, through, and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it.
My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.
For most women, the success of conservative women is good for all of us, unless you believe in evolution. Actually, I take it back. The whole thing is a disaster.
Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.
Lesson learned? When people say, “You really, really must” do something, it means you don’t really have to. No one ever says, “You really, really must deliver the baby during labor.” When it’s true, it doesn’t need to be said.
It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
I found the recording sessions very freeing because you can really try things. When you’re filming something, if you’re improvising a film and you’re wasting film and wasting a cameraman’s time.
Quentin Tarantino is here, star of all my sexual nightmares.
Why are my arms so weak? It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing!
When choosing sexual partners, remember: Talent is not sexually transmittable.
When you have a set of characters, you have to fall in love with them and care about them as each individual character.
You’re in competition with everyone.
You mostly know that you want to be funny, know that you have the desire. It’s not like people who grow up beautiful and can look in the mirror and be like, I’m beautiful! Funny is more of a journey. And a desperate attempt.
Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.