The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.
That turned-up collar. The jacket that zipped all the way down the front into a nice fitted shape. The white denim that made my untanned skin look like a color.
I had a gentleman in college tell me, during a date, that I could be really pretty if I lost some weight. On a date!
In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.
I don’t want to be somebody else.
This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury.
Seriously, I’ve just realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.
Am I just chasing it because it’s the hardest thing for me to get and I want to prove I can do it?
According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don’t worry, lonely women, you’ll be dead soon.
Tracy: Stop eating people’s old french fries, little pigeon. Have some self-respect. Don’t you know you can fly?
You transition as a mother from literally just pulling a booger out of that person’s nose whenever you see one until at some point they assert: “No, I’m a person. You can’t fix my underpants on the subway.”
The barrier between TV and movies has come down and film actors are willing to do TV and vice versa, because they just want to follow what’s interesting.
In my limited experience, shows are like children. You can teach them manners and dress them in little sailor suits, but in the end, they’re going to be who they’re going to be.
I love to play strippers and to imitate them. I love using that idea for comedy, but the idea of actually going there? I feel like we all need to be better than that. That industry needs to die, by all of us being a little bit better than that.
It’s the same reason I don’t get Hooters. Why do we need to enjoy chicken wings and boobies at the same time? Yes, they are a natural and beautiful part of the human experience. And so are boobies. But why at the same time?
Will Ferrell is a dangerous man. If he thinks you’re in his way in show business, he will crack your head open. He’s the Jeff Gillooly of comedy.
Sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course you are not.
The eyes are the window to where the soul is supposed to be.
I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.
I really like John McCain. He’s an awesome dude and was a lot of fun when he hosted “SNL.” I’d love to see a McCain-Giuliani “rage” ticket.