At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.
Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: “No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat.”
When you go into something where you can really trust that everyone has thought about it, more than you have even, then that’s like a gift.
The Supreme Court is expected to rule this week whether banning cross burning by groups like the Klu Klux Klan violates the first amendment. The outcome could affect the entertainment at Trent Lott’s Christmas party.
North Korea threatened to attack if Sony Pictures released The Interview, forcing us all to pretend that we wanted to see it.
In Into the Woods, Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince, and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.
Many of the world’s greatest discoveries have been by accident. I mean, look at the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, or Botox.
A wise friend once told me, ‘Don’t wear what fashion designers tell you to wear. Wear what they wear.’
Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity.
Don’t be too precious or attached to anything you write. Let things be malleable. For sketch writers, remember they’re called sketches for a reason. They’re not called oil paintings. Some of them are going to stink. You have to let them stink.
We’re gonna promote freedom. Usher in democratic values and ideals. And fight terror-loving terrorists.
I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
I think for women especially, you need to have a plan. I need to have some other ways to generate income, so I don’t have to stretch my face or lift the top of my head with surgery or something.
Every day I wrote in my journal: “How am I going to win today?” So that when the guys are talking about water-boarding I’m telling them they haven’t even got the right towels.
I have to say, I’m really not that attractive. Until I met my husband, I could not get a date.
Your characters should be as smart as you are, if not smarter.
Whenever you see me, I’m on antique quaaludes.
Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue.
Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless.
When I turned 50, I looked in the mirror and I thought: “Hey, this isn’t the dress rehearsal, this is life and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have!”