The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.
Never mind what I told you – you do as I tell you.
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we’ll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
The best thing to break is a contract.
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
It’s what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
If I ever found a church that didn’t believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you’ve used up all the other four-letter words.
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.