If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.
If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.
It’s quite true I’m not drinking anymore; however, I’m not drinking any less either.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.
I never met a kid I liked.
Ultimately chess is just chess – not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.
I’ve been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don’t know. It’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
You can’t cheat an honest man.