If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.
I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can’t insult the customers.
It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.
I can do anything I want to do!
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
On the whole, I’d rather be in Philidelphia.
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world’s smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
I’ve been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.