Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
Never work with animals or children.
I like children – fried.
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
Ain’t fit for man nor beast.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.