If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
You can fool some of the people some of the time – and that’s enough to make a decent living.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.