I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose – to make people laugh.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
I drink therefore I am.
I must have a drink of breakfast.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
A man who’s intoxicated all the time doesn’t need sympathy.
Never give a sucker an even break.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.