The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.
In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
I’ve been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn’t.
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
I’m looking for loopholes.
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
I’d take a Bromo, but I can’t stand the noise.