I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon – and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
I don’t know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I’m not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I’m asked to believe.
I was married once – in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.