Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.
I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
Say, did you read what this writer just dug up in George Washington’s diary? I was so ashamed I sat up all night reading it.
It’s getting so if a man wants to stand well socially, he can’t afford to be seen with either the Democrats or the Republicans.
We cuss Congress, and we joke about ’em, but they are all good fellows at heart, and if they wasn’t in Congress, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be even worse.
The Senate just sits and waits till they find out what the president wants, so they know how to vote against him.
A president just can’t make much showing against congress. They lay awake nights, thinking up things to be against the president on.
A lot of guys have had a lot of fun joking about Henry Ford because he admitted one time that he didn’t know history. He don’t know it, but history will know him. He has made more history than his critics ever read.
The way to make money in the stock market is to buy a stock. Then, when it goes up, sell it. If it’s not going to go up, don’t buy it!
What would we say if the Chinese sent a gunboat with their marines up the Mississippi River claiming they were protecting their laundries in Memphis?
Labor Day, I suppose set by an Act of Congress. Everything we do nowadays is either by, or against, Acts of Congress. How Congress knew anything about Labor is beyond us.
It would drive a person crazy to dope out really what does divide the two parties. Prosperity don’t divide the two parties, for under either administration the poor get poorer and the rich get richer.
Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.
Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead.
The more ignorant you are, the quicker you fight.
Where I come from, they won’t let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.
My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there’s nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.
In all your life, you will never find a method more effective in getting through to another person than to make that person feel important.
Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.
Democrats are the only reason to vote for Republicans.