One must have one’s delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it’s a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, “Let there be light.” And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a lot better.
What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?
I’ve become the person I’ve always hated, but I’m happier.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Just showing up is half the battle.
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
I’ve gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.
As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.
There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn’t all that important.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn’t exist.
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.
That’s the way I feel about the world: there are certain problems that can only be dealt with that way – going out and doing them. As ugly a truth as that is, I do think it’s the truth about the world.
I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
I’m awash in self-contempt!
I have one last request. Don’t use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.