My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza’s star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, ‘Who’s the boss now?’
I don’t really have a pattern yet. I don’t know if I’ll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don’t have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.
My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That’s So Raven?
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they’re part of the same ilk.
I have to stop crying when I watch “The View”. It’s not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says “Forever.”
Hookers don’t like to snuggle.
I don’t like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That’s kind of the advantage of stand up. You’re self-employed.
If you see something, say something.
I’ve always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
You’re not supposed to be accepting trophies. You’re supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.
I’m terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I’m a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There’s nothing you can do except make light of it.
I want to do another reality show. It’s based on The Mole. It’s about sexually transmitted diseases. It’s called “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”
You know you’re getting fat when your socks don’t fit.
I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you’re fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.