Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.
Cat: a soft indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman’s heart.
OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one’s environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.
The ghost is the outward and visible signs of an inward fear.
Revelation: a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.
Contempt; the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo.
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine own is open at thy feet.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
War: A by-product of the arts of peace.
Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.
ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.