WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ’s tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.
REVOLUTION, n. A bursting of the boilers which usually takes place when the safety valve of public discussion is closed.
RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.
PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.
OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.
MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women.
TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.
PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are safe, for you can watch both his.
PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.
Advice, the smallest current coin.
Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
An aged Burgundy runs with a beardless Port. I cherish the fancy that Port speaks sentences of wisdom, Burgundy sings the inspired Ode.
BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.
EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
Male, A member of the unconsidered or negligible gender. The male of the human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The Genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.