Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
An aged Burgundy runs with a beardless Port. I cherish the fancy that Port speaks sentences of wisdom, Burgundy sings the inspired Ode.
BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.
EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
Male, A member of the unconsidered or negligible gender. The male of the human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The Genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.
Cat: a soft indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman’s heart.
OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one’s environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.
The ghost is the outward and visible signs of an inward fear.
Revelation: a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.
Contempt; the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo.
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine own is open at thy feet.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
War: A by-product of the arts of peace.