Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.
There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
Fidelity – a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.
Experience – the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
Human nature is pretty well balanced; for every lacking virtue there is a rough substitute that will serve at a pinch – as cunning is the wisdom of the unwise, and ferocity the courage of the coward.
Twice – Once too often.
Lawyer – One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
Conversation: A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.