PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are safe, for you can watch both his.
PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.
Advice, the smallest current coin.
Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
An aged Burgundy runs with a beardless Port. I cherish the fancy that Port speaks sentences of wisdom, Burgundy sings the inspired Ode.
BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.
EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
Male, A member of the unconsidered or negligible gender. The male of the human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The Genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.
Cat: a soft indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman’s heart.
OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one’s environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.
The ghost is the outward and visible signs of an inward fear.
Revelation: a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.