There’s estrogen running through my veins!
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
I can’t do anything! I can’t even have an English muffin!
I’m sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.
It’s hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they’d kill you if they had the chance.
You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, ‘Let’s have some yum yums!’ You would get in line – you would jump in the line – and you would go up and get the crouton O’Christ.
Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
I would love to have acidy spit.
It really drives me banana sangwich.
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don’t like it.
Are there glass shards in my anus?
You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.
There’s always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.
In the year 3000, everything will be instant.
How do you fall into a lion’s den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.
When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
When I’m wrong I’m like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he’ll turn Luke. Yet, when I’m right I’m a Jedi like my father before me.