Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
The fact that Gene Weingarten and I and Bathroom Inventory are now part of some kind of Matrix of Poop strongly suggests that the Pulitzer is not what it once was.
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
I don’t have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it’s stupid – which is the one perspective that’s almost completely lacking in Washington.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
It’s a real smug self-righteous punk kid saying nobody has the right to tell him what to do and how dare you put a sign up saying that I can’t go on your property?
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.