Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
There’s only one way kids will wear helmets, and that’s if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
Don’t emphasise money if you don’t have much; be happy.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears – of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words “Some Assembly Required”.
Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.
Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot.
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you’d find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies.
And that’s the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
My son wouldn’t go get heroin. If he did or didn’t, it wouldn’t have anything to do with whether it was legal or illegal.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.
Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.
If Mozart had power tools, there’s no telling how great his music might have been.
AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.