The whole thing about whether you smoke marijuana or not is so ridiculous. That and whether you protested the Vietnam War. Give me a break. Especially the marijuana thing.
When Prince Charles speaks, everybody pretends to be fascinated, even though he has never said anything interesting except in that intercepted telephone conversation wherein he expressed the desire to be a feminine hygeine product.
People don’t think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, “Just joking.”
Your friends love you anyway.
It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to rent an apartment that could easily be carried on a commercial airline flight.
There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.
I’ve gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.
I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I’m a journalist, it’s my job. There’s been something of a reaction against political correctness. Needless to say, the government hasn’t caught up yet.
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.
The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.
As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.
Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.
You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings – even the truth.
For Dad, the perfect Father’s Day would be one in which he didn’t even realize that it was Father’s Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn’t want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father’s Day poetry.
San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
I’m always writing new books so I don’t dwell on the ones I’ve already done. I think that’s a habit from being a newspaper guy because you’re always writing columns and you can’t reflect on the ones you’ve already done.
To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.