And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.
I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.
Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.
I’ve never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.
I’m not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he’s sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.
Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron – cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.
The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they’re being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.
Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.
The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.
What’s happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession – it has to be your perfect day.
Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.
The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that “hmmmm” noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won’t come right out and say “UH-oh!”
Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn’t his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.
Here’s a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.
Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.
What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.
Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as ‘viruses,’ ‘worms,’ ‘Trojan horses’ and ‘licensed Microsoft software’ that can take over your computer and render it useless.
I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.
The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.
Baby’s room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby’s room should be in Peru.