The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was.
The Ford Falcon holds the proud title of Slowest Car Ever Built. In certain areas of the country you can go to a stoplight and find Falcon drivers who pressed down on their accelerators in 1963 and are still waiting for their cars to move.
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.
Florida’s number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.
The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.
The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.
The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.
When you say you don’t think we should have public schools, they can’t believe you mean that. You must mean that they should be smaller. But you can’t really mean no public schools.
I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let’s All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.
Funny, isn’t it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.
It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to “get involved” in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.
If you tell most people what libertarians think, they immediately assume that you cannot mean it all the way, that you’re really just taking a position for argument’s sake.
I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.
When I say ‘serve you better,’ I mean ‘increase our profits.’ We newspapers are very big on profits these days.
People don’t like it when you make fun of a celebrity. When you make fun of a celebrity, you’ll hear from really loyal fans of that celebrity.
Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.
For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair “look” that was originally popularized by coconuts.
I’ve never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.