Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.
See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.
Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
Happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations...
Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid.
It is a good idea to ‘shop around’ before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don’t be shy! After all, you’re paying for it.
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.
Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration.
Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the ‘most reliable Windows ever.’ To me, this is like saying that asparagus is ‘the most articulate vegetable ever.’
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
You should never pick up a newspaper when you’re feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.
The average tax payer is not a big voluntary supporter of the arts. The only art that the average taxpayer buys voluntarily either has a picture of Bart Simpson on it or little suction cups on its feet so you can stick it onto a car window.
I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.