A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.
Never have a dog. Let’s not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.
Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.
Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.
I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
France: As a professional journalist, I like the idea of a society where it is considered an acceptable occupation to basically sit around and drink.
As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Technically, Windows is an “operating system,” which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.
We kids feared many things in those days – werewolves, dentists, North Koreans, Sunday School – but they all paled in comparison with Brussels sprouts.
Editorials are written by people who have agreed to have several strong opinions a day and to write them down, provided they do not have to sign their names.
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, “people without lives.” We don’t care. We have each other...
Today’s beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.
Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat “what if?” questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.
By today’s beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.
Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.
Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.
I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.