Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat “what if?” questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.
Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.
Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.
I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.
When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.
What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.
There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.
Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O’Hare.
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don’t even exist yet.
Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences.
In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.
Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.
The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.
Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.
Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years.
I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?
When my generation was your age, we took crazy risks. The wildest thing was – prepare to be shocked – we deliberately ingested carbohydrates!
I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.