Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores.
The taxpayers cannot be relied upon to support performing arts such as opera. As a taxpayer, I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.
But the feeling I have, you know, is that I’ll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth- of the books I’d probably love if I ever got to them.
This ball was so crowded that it took me – a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area – forty five minutes to get a beer.
As the saying goes: “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re a newspaper columnist.”
As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.
The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.