Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.
We’re wild horses. We’re going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We’re protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.
There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.
It may be meaningless, but at least it’s a gesture.
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.
Long, long ago, before eruptions were invented, the molten lava had to be carried down the mountainside, bucket by bucket, and poured over the sleeping villagers. This took time.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators.
Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: ‘Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve the American electoral process?’
Rembrandt’s first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.
In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.
After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven’t had four beers.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can’t seem to locate the deodorant, huh?
Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.
You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses because they will want to keep playing.