Standup is more me talking the entire time. There’s definitely an exchange of energy because that room, that audience, is giving back.
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
Emote. It’s okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.
You know, it’s hard work to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.
True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.
We’re told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?
I get home at the end of the day and I don’t want to talk. All I want to do is lay on the floor and pet my dogs and my cats.
I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.
Our flaws are what makes us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don’t even have to be an issue.
It’s hard when paparazzi are photographing every single thing you do. I’m sure a lot of people made mistakes – they just were not documented the way they are now.
Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday.
I’m sure men have their own ways of trying to demean one another, but women can be very gossipy and judgmental, and that doesn’t help.
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.
It’s failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.
It was so important for me to lose everything, because I found out what the most important thing is, which is to be true to yourself.
I think there’s a whole bunch of things that go along with being a girl. You’re not supposed to have opinions or be tough or strong. You’re supposed to be soft and vulnerable, and I find those qualities important in both men and women.
I’m a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.
Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.
I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.