Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.
Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.
I’ll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it’s not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
How old are you? ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
When you look at the average American you realize there’s nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!
Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven’t changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.
What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
You don’t see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus’s, do you? No, you don’t see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
I have this real moron thing I do? It’s called thinking.
When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.