E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.
When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.
Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wiseguy’ opposites?
There’s some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is ‘phonics’ not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do ‘slow down’ and ‘slow up’ mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, ‘A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.’ The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.
Sex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
Where do we get our values from?
I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.
Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.