Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.
Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
When I first heard the song Don’t worry – be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn’t the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don’t these people communicate?
It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
Leadership camp? Isn’t that where Hitler went?
Hard work is for people short on talent.
All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
Think of how strange we’d look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.
I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she’s laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.
If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. – The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. – Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.
The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it’s a spy satellite?
Sudden total weight loss.
A crazy person doesn’t really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.