Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.
In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.
I make fun of people who are religious, because they’re fundamentally weak.
Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! – I hope I’ll be safe at home!
At 68 I’m every age I ever was. I always think of that. I’m not just 68. I’m also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.
You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.
If someone loves you and they leave and don’t come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
Most people are not particularly good at anything.
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
I believe you can joke about anything.