Sometimes when I’m told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I’ll use someone else’s. But I always put it back.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
I believe my first duty is to survive. And I’m not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I’ll get one. And I’ll use it.
The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: “Gimme that! It’s mine!”
Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he’s worried about his child’s innocence and I’ll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
Political discourse has been reduced to “Where’s the beef?” “Read my lips,” and “Make my day.” Where are the assassins when we really need them?
It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.
Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work.
I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
Don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything’s gonna be all right.
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can’t think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure.
Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind – the ironic part is that it’s presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it’s my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.