Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
It’s a “keep your fingers crossed” business, the entertainment business.
And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.
Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
I don’t like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that’s their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge.
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
Everything beeps now.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I became a guy who wanted to be a comedian someday, or a comic actor. The way I put it was, I’ll be like Danny Kaye. He was kind of the model I had in mind.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?